How to Make Friends with the Dark
by TheQueenofPassiveAggressiva
Summary: I fell into a really deep depression recently and after two years of therapy and being institutionalized, I'm feeling a little better. I'm writing again and I'd like to share some of my experience with you all in a SEQUEL to my story 'In Memory of Me' set 9 years in the future. This is the continued journey of a woman's recovery from trauma. TW: Self-harm & PTSD. *3.7K VIEWS!*
1. Step One

**Hi, lovelies. So, yeah. I'm easing my way back into writing with a new story for you all. It's a sequel to 'In Memory of Me' so if you'd like to read that one too, check it out on my blog. Anyway, thank you all so much for your continued support and I hope this is a good read. **

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**Step One: Getting Comfortable**

"Henry! Henry! I know you're up there! It's time to go pick up your sisters!" I yell up the staircase.

At the top of the stairs, only seconds later, our baby boy appears with a huge smile on his face. I'd be more worried about him being on the stairs alone but I swear our little guy is a board scholar. He's only two yet he's figured out the most effective-and fun_-_way of coming down the stairs: sliding.

He slides right into my arms and is giggling up a storm as I tickle him, "Mommy!"

"Hi, sweet boy!" I laugh giving him a tight squeeze.

Our sitter, a nineteen year old college student, rounds the corner and smiles coming down the stairs, "Hey, Dr. Montgomery! Henry and I had a blast today."

"Thank you so much, Celeste," I pay her and she heads out the door.

Waving at Henry before she goes then smiles closing the door behind her, "See you Monday, Henry!"

"Bye bye! Lest!" he smiles and I hug him again.

I check the time, it's two o'clock and school lets out at 2:30, I smile at my little man, "Did you have fun today?"

"Yeah! We color and we did abc's!"

"That's awesome, baby!" I smile as we head out the door.

He turns to me curiously, "Mama?"

"She's still at work," I explain, "but she'll be home soon."

"Tim?" he asks next.

I smile opening up the door to our truck, "I'll call Aunt Callie and Aunt Arizona to see if maybe Sofia and Tim can come over for dinner tonight. How about that?"

"Yeah!" he clasps his hands as I try to strap him in, "Sleep sleep?"

"Maybe they can sleepover but I have to ask, okay?" I smile down at my son as I finish and close the door behind me. It's funny because he doesn't know that we're celebrating his adoption today so they'll be over anyway for his mini celebration.

It's Friday. Meredith is done at four and then were both off for the rest of the weekend. Henry's second birthday is next week and we're both calling off Thursday and Friday to take the kids to Disneyland. Callie and Arizona will be joining us as well. So the kids are all extremely excited.

We pull up at the elementary school just as the children are running out of the building. I spot my baby girls only seconds after they run out of the big open doors. I step out of the car and stand outside of it waving at the two as they skip over to the truck.

"Mommy!" Zola exclaimed, "I learned subtractions today!"

"And I've been quizzing her," the young red-head grinned. "See! Zola, what's one thousand minus two hundred and fifty?"

"Those are too many zeros, Ella!"

"Remember what I told you," she explained.

Zola's silent for a moment while I get her strapped into her booster seat, "Oh, yeah. I can take off the zeros and add them back later… So, if a hundred minus twenty-five is seventy-five then a thousand minus two-hundred and fifty is… seven hundred and fifty!"

"That's right, Zola!" she grinned, "See, I told you you could do it."

Ella's proven to be the world's greatest big sister. From the moment Zola joined our little family six years ago, the girls have been attached at the hip. It made things much easier by the time Henry came into our lives. The girls treated him as though he was always a part of our family and nothing changed, except there was another person to dress up and have tea parties with.

With three noisy little ones strapped in their seats, I head to the store to pick up our groceries. I'd normally grocery shop myself before I pick up the girls from school with Henry but we were shopping for his celebration this evening. So I ordered online to have them brought out to the car when we arrive. Usually we'd stop at the park to wear them out a little but with Henry's Adoption Day festivities tonight, I don't want them to be too tired.

We're home in no time. The girls race each other to finish their homework as I get Henry dressed and ready for dinner. He has no idea that Meredith's coming home with a cake a whole week before his birthday. The first year we did it, he was only eleven months old and I'm almost positive he doesn't remember unless we have a super genius baby on our hands. I wouldn't put it past him. He started walking at nine months and forming two to four word sentences a few short months after.

I'm in the middle of buttoning up his little suit that I bought him for today when my cell phone rings. It's an unfamiliar number but I always get random phone calls from patients so I answer professionally, "Dr. Montgomery-Grey speaking."

"Hi, I'm Tiana Bowen calling from the DDC; DNA Diagnostic Center located in Seattle, Washington. May I confirm that I'm speaking with a… Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery?"

"Uh, yeah?" I sputtered out. This is the diagnostic center Mark and I went to all those years ago for paternity testing on an unborn baby Ella. She's eight years old now. What could they possibly be calling about? "This is she."

"This is involving a case from about nine years ago involving you and a… Dr. Mark Sloan," she continues. "Due to some laboratory errors on our part, it turns out that we gave you two a false-positive paternity test result. Dr. Mark Sloan is not your child's father. We are so sorry for the error and we are leaving our lawyer's contact information with all of our clients."

"Wait, what?" I say a moment later. "Mark isn't Ella's father?"

"I am so sorry, Dr. Montgomery," she said quietly. "I've sent you an email with our lawyer's information attached to the email we have on file. I hope you have a blessed rest of your day. Thank you."

And that was that… My stomach is turning in knots and I make a beeline for the bathroom. I turn up the contents of my stomach into the toilet before stepping over to the sink to dab my face in cold water. I can barely breathe. If Ella isn't Mark's daughter, that means she's… she's _Derek's_. Just the thought of his name sends me back to the last couple of weeks of our marriage… Tears shoot out of my eyes uncontrollably and I can't seem to compose myself. I hear faint knocks on the bathroom door and it opens revealing a crying little boy, reaching out his arms to me as he falls into my lap.

"No cry, Mommy," he cries out. He hates it when any of us cries.

I wipe his tears before I wipe my own, "I'm okay, Henry. Mommy's okay."

"Okay," he nods and I take him into a deep hug.

Moments later, louder footsteps enter into the room. Her voice calls out, "Addie, baby? The girls said that you and Henry were up here getting ready for dinner."

"We're in here," I manage to get out between cries. Meredith walks into the bathroom with the saddest look on her face but when Henry sees her, they both smile. She hugs him and kisses him softly.

"Mama? Mommy sad. Mommy cry," he tells her.

She nods putting him down, "Thank you, sweet boy. Go check on your sisters and make sure they're getting ready for dinner while I check on, Mommy."

He runs off and Meredith sits down beside me on the bathroom floor. I try to smile but I can't even fake it. I sob out, "Ella isn't Marks. The diagnostic center called and told me there was an error… that Mark isn't Ella's father."

"What do you mean Daddy isn't my Daddy?" a tiny voice asks as it makes itself known from the other side of the door.

Staring back at Ella now, I don't know how I didn't see it before. Those deep blue eyes… every Shepherd has them. The strawberry blonde hair that she had as a baby is almost so black that you can only see that it's red in the sunlight. She is Derek's daughter… she's the little girl we've always wanted but got too busy to have. She is the baby that, if only came a few years earlier, could've probably saved our marriage… saved Derek from becoming a monster… a rapist. Ella is the daughter of the man who hurt me in more ways than one. She is the product of rape.

Staring back at Ella now, I can barely look at her without seeing _him_. I shake my head trying to rid myself of _him _and I bury my face deep into Meredith's chest. I sob out, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for all of this. I'm sorry."

"Ssh, honey. You're okay. We're okay," Meredith consoles me, "We're going to figure this out. Ella, everything's fine. Mommy and I just need to talk."

"But what did you mean…"

"Ella," I hear Meredith start but she doesn't finish.

The little girl whines, "Why is Mommy crying? Is it me? She looked at me and started crying. I made Mommy cry and something's wrong with my daddy. Why aren't you telling me what's wrong? You _always_ tell me what's wrong. I'm the oldest."

"Bug… please," Meredith pleads. "I promise we will talk to you a little later. Right now, I need you to help us by getting Zola and Henry ready for dinner. May you do that for me please?"

"You promise you'll talk to me about my daddy later?"

"Yes, I promise," she nods as she rubs circles on my back in an attempt to calm me down.

I hear her footsteps before I hear her voice, "Okay, Mama."

"Addison, baby," I hear after a few minutes. "Look at me… Addison…"

"I-I can't-," I forced out mumbled. "Everything's ruined."

"No, it's not. We can fix this," she says calmly. "We can figure this out, baby. You are so strong. We will get through this. We have to. We're Addison and Meredith, remember? We can get through anything."

I really hope Meredith is right because I don't feel okay. I feel confused… disgusted, even. It's crazy that after nine years, my assault affects me with the same intenseness… that Derek can still torture me from the other side of the country.

I stand here putting the finishing touches on my hair as the doorbell rings. Our guests have arrived… Meredith's already downstairs in the kitchen so I don't have to rush. I take the curler to my hair once again as I try to force myself to put on a brave face. I don't even have an appetite anymore… How am I going to make it through this dinner?

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by a knock at my open bedroom door. I glance behind me slightly and at the sight of my best friend, I force a smile, "Hey, I'm almost finished here."

"What's wrong?" she says immediately.

I feign confusion, "What do you mean?"

"You're standing in front of a mirror," she says plainly. "Look at yourself… try to tell me that your face isn't screaming that something's wrong."

"Callie…" I started but I can't seem to finish the sentence.

She pleads, "Come on, Addie. We've been best friends almost ten years… You can tell me anything."

"Sofia and Ella aren't sisters," I say quickly as I unplugged the curlers and make my way into the bathroom.

Callie follows behind me, "What? What do you mean?"

"The diagnostic center that we went to called earlier today and told me they butchered the results," I say quietly. "Ella isn't Mark's daughter."

"So, you mean Ella is…" she trails off not wanting to finish her sentence.

I finish for her, "Derek's. Ella is the daughter of my rapist and I'm such a horrible person because I can't even look her in the face without getting sick. I'm a terrible mother."

"Don't say that," she shook her head. "You're a great mother, Addison. The diagnostic center is terrible, this news is horrible and you, you're just still in shock. This is so fucked up."

"I don't know what to do, Callie," I cried out turning around to her. "Ella overheard me telling Meredith and I didn't even know what to say… I didn't know how to comfort her. Meredith told her that she would explain everything to her later and I just blanked… I can't do this. I can't handle this. She can't be Derek's daughter… I could never tell him… What do I tell Mark?"

"Love," she says taking me into her arms, "I'm so sorry this is happening. You are so strong. You know that? You're going to be okay."

_I'm not as strong as you think. _We head downstairs not too long after to celebrate Henry's adoption finalization. It took almost a year for him to be officially ours, although he was ours from the start. I delivered him and about six weeks later, I got a call from our agent saying that the birth mother specifically asked for us. I'm so grateful for her. Without her, our family would be incomplete. Staring down at my son now, I can't help but smile. He's always a light when the rest of us seem to be heading down dark paths. Like right now, I'm heading down a really dark tunnel and I can't make out an ending just yet. Maybe I should just get comfortable?

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**So, what did you think? Let me know down below. Please, please, please review. :)**

**\- Kae**


	2. Step Two

**Hi guys. It makes me so happy to see that you guys are reading this. This story and it's prequel 'In Memory of Me' are very dear to my heart. I was struggling with dealing with my assault when I first started writing IMOM and it's helped me cope in more ways that I've ever imagined. So I'm hoping it did the same for some people and maybe this story could do the same. I'm going to start focusing a lot on mental health and my time in an institution in this story. I hope to one day publish a novel about my time there and somehow advocate for my fellow sisters that I met there. This is a little reminder that it doesn't matter if you're in doctor in scrubs or a patient in gowns, we are all people.**

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**Step Two: Learning to Lie**

"So when you said that my daddy wasn't my father, that's not what you meant?" young Ella said with an unconvincing look on her face. "You were just mad at him because he let me get my ears pierced again without your permission?"

"Yes, that's exactly it," Meredith says with a stern look on her face. "Mommy and I were arguing over how to handle the situation… You two shouldn't have tricked him into thinking that we'd be okay with it. You know you were wrong and that's why you and Sofia have both been on punishment."

Technically, it wasn't a lie. We are pissed at Mark. He's an idiot for thinking it's okay to take our eight year old daughter to get a second hole pierced in her ears without asking us first. Ella had been begging for months now and I only told her 'no' so we could take her for her birthday. Somehow, he let two eight year olds trick him into thinking that we told them that they could.

"Okay, but you really shouldn't be mad at my daddy. He's a boy… Sofia and I are smarter than him," she said seriously.

I raised a smart-ass. I almost laughed at her comment but still, this part of me could barely look at her. I look to Meredith for help and she put her hand down on my leg in comfort. She looked at our daughter and said sternly, "Now go get ready for bed."

"I really am sorry for lying…" she said genuinely. "I really wanted to fit in with the rest of my friends. I know what you say about peer pressure but it's hard out here for an eight year old."

"Ella, your room," I say quietly trying to force back laughter.

When she finally leaves the room, Meredith laughs, "Why is your daughter so dramatic?"

"Why is she only mine when she's being dramatic?"

"Because she didn't get that from me," she teases but I barely respond. "Talk to me, baby. What's going on in the beautiful big brain of yours."

"I feel like I felt all those years ago," I admit quietly. "I feel like I felt the day I found out I was pregnant and thought that it was Derek's daughter. It's my worst nightmare, Meredith. I'm living my worst nightmare."

"Addie," she runs her hand through my hair tucking a piece behind my ear.

I shake my head, "You don't get it… She has his eyes… When I look at her, all I see is him staring back at me and I feel… ashamed, embarrassed even. I can barely look at her without crying. I can't look at my own daughter. And it's like, a part of me knew all along but I told myself I was crazy… That science doesn't lie. The test doesn't lie. I thought that I was losing my mind."

"Addison!" she says a bit more stern and it sends me rushing back.

_"Addison, please! Stop acting like this isn't what you wanted. We haven't had sex in months, remember? Your words! We both want this so just shut up," he says taking off his pants and underwear. He snatched off my underwear, ripping them in the process and literally shoved himself inside of me. I scream out in pain and it only makes him stroke harder as he pins me down by my neck, "I told you to just shut up!"_

I pull back from Meredith fast and she looks at me in shock. Tears form as she gets up carefully and turns away from me. She does this whenever she's trying not to cry. Meredith turns back to me with the guilist look in her eyes.

"Meredith," I call out between sobs, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to react that way. I know you would never hurt me. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking," she said as tears started to fall from her eyes. "I knew that saying your name like that was a trigger and you'd just said that you'd been feeling the same way you did when it all was happening. I wasn't listening and I'm so sorry."

"Meredith, honey, no," I say trying to comfort her. "You're perfect. You've done nothing wrong. You were just trying to help."

"You know what's been happening when I've tried to help lately… I-I'm just going to go put the kids to bed," she says. "I'm going to give you some space. That's helpful, right?"

"Yeah," I barely whisper as she exits the room. These past couple of months have been Hell for Meredith. She almost lost her license trying to help Adele, Richard's wife during a clinical trial she was working on for Alzheimer's. I won't say exactly what happened but Meredith might have done something illegal and put the entire trial and hospital in jeopardy. Richard took the blame and lost his job as Chief of Surgery because of it.

It's been a few months. There's an interim Chief until they find an actual replacement and I've been considered in the hiring pool but Meredith still isn't over it. And here I am making her feel worse. I can't… I don't like feeling like a burden. I can't have anyone feeling the way I do in the slightest bit. I have to fix this. I just have to pretend to be okay. I have to learn to lie.

By the time Meredith comes back to the room, I've cleaned up and gotten myself ready for bed. She changes into her pajamas and joins me only moments later. She's so small yet she insists on being the big spoon most nights. I let her hold onto me as I snuggle deeper into her embrace. I let myself be comforted as my eyes drift closed.

_When the elevator comes to a stop on our floor, it opens up to a hostile looking Naomi standing at the doors… Her eyes grow wide with fear and she steps on closing the elevator… She pulls the lever to have the elevator come to an emergency stop, "I'm so sorry, Addie."_

"_Wh—what's wrong?" I say as Meredith's hand squeezes mine tighter._

"_Derek's here… He already knew you were here and was mad when I told him you weren't… He found out through a coworker that you were in L.A. and I'm the only person you know here."_

"_Shit," Savannah cries, "this is my fault. I told Weiss to tell the hospital that we were in Santa Monica... Addie, I'm so sorry."_

"_You can't go back to him," Meredith finally speaks up still holding onto me._

_I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm freaked out. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to have time to get myself a plan._

"_Let's just get back to my house before he realizes that you're here at the practice," Naomi says._

"_No," I pause, "he knows where you live and I, I don't want anyone to get hurt… I'm not worth you guys getting hurt too."_

"_Call the police," she suggests next._

_Savannah pulls out her phone and shakes her head, "No service in the elevator."_

"_Okay, let's get outside to the car and on the way to the house we will call the cops. Have them meet us there in case Derek tries to follow," Naomi says and she pushes back on the lever then pushes the button for the first floor._

_The elevator is silent the entire ride down and when it opens and comes to a stop, we quickly make our way outside to Naomi's car…_

_But we're too late… Derek's standing there waiting._

"_Addison," he grins and it sends shivers down my spine. "I've been looking for you everywhere. Why didn't you tell me you were going to L.A.? What was the emergency? Naomi needed an assist with a patient?"_

"_Derek, cut the crap, we all know what you did and we're not letting you leave here with Addie," Savannah says suddenly._

_He looks at her and just laughs, "I don't need your permission. She's my wife."_

"_That doesn't make her your property," Meredith speaks up._

_He looks at her and frowns when he sees how close she is to me, "And who are you supposed to be? How old are you? 18? Addison, who is this child and why is she talking to me?"_

"_Derek, leave her alone. She has nothing to do with this," I say getting defensive._

_He frowns, "Addison, I'm sorry, please. Let me make it up to you. Come home with me."_

"_No, Derek. I can't," I say and it clearly upsets him._

_His eyes turn dark and he turns around then back to us, "Look, Addison, the other night, that wasn't me. I don't know what came over me and I'm really sorry. I am. I'm bipolar, Addison. I got diagnosed last week and I've been in denial. I'm getting help. Please. Come home with me."_

_I stand my ground and shake my head. This makes him more upset and he runs up on me. To my surprise, Meredith steps up in front of me in an attempt to push him away. It doesn't work… He shoved her out of the way and she stumbled, falling onto the ground. I scream and run over to her. He doesn't even give me a chance to check on her before he yanks me away._

"_I warned you, Addison!" he yelled pulling me away by my arm, "I don't want to do this. I want to get help and I need you there to do it."_

_I didn't even realize I started crying but now I'm wiping my eyes. I watch Meredith get up from the floor with the help of my friends and I give in. Being escorted by Derek to the car, I turn back to them in tears, "I'm so sorry."_

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I say sitting up fast gasping for air. I frantically wipe the tears off my face realizing that I was still at home in my bedroom. Meredith sits up slowly after still in a drowsy haze…

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I lie through my teeth. "Go back to sleep. I just had a bad dream."

"Lay down," she says ushering me to my spot as little spoon. "I'll hold you… that always makes you feel better."

"Okay," I concede laying down cuddling into her warmth once more. I allow myself to drift off to sleep once more hoping that I sleep soundly this time.

"_You're not coming to bed?" he asks tiredly._

_He wants to know if I'm going upstairs with him where just three days ago, he assaulted me… What do I say? No? And risk getting my ass beaten right here on the spot? Or yes? And risk getting my ass beaten later? Hmm… I have to think about that one._

_I don't say anything. I just grab my glass and the bottle putting both away then I make my way upstairs to the bedroom. I change into one of my pajama dresses then I tuck myself into bed. Derek gets in behind me and cuddles up on me. It makes me sick… Literally, I want to puke. I just don't understand how he can just act like nothing's wrong… It doesn't make sense to me._

_He starts to move his hand up and down my body. I can feel him getting hard against my thigh as he continues to rub his hands down my legs. I want to tell him to stop but I don't want to be hit again… so I just let it happen… I hate myself for not even trying to fight. He rolls over on top of me and whips his penis out of his shorts. I close my eyes and I look away as him shoves himself inside me. It hurts so much. I want to cry out in pain but I know it will do more harm than good. I say nothing; I do nothing. I just lay there emotionless._

"_You know you enjoy this, Addison," he smirks as he grabs me by my face and forces me to look at him. "I know this is exactly want you want. You made it so clear and now, you've got my attention."_

_I don't respond and I guess it made him angrier. He grabbed me by my neck and after a few seconds, I'm at a lost for breath. I wish he would just end it now. I wish he would just stop torturing me and kill me now._

_After another half hour, it seems as though Derek has had enough of me. He gets up and starts pacing around the room. "Addison! Seriously! If I wanted to have a sex with an emotionless plank, I would've fucked a robot! You know what get out!"_

_Derek grabs a coat and throws it at me along with some shoes. He picks me up off the bed and starts walking out the room then down the stairs. Once I realize that he is actually throwing me out, I freak, "Derek, stop! Please! I'm sorry, please! Derek. Put me down! You know I love you! I'm here! I'm here, Derek!"_

I wake up shivering… at least I didn't wake Meredith this time. I look at the clock and it's nearly four in the morning. On a normal day, this is what time I'd get up anyway to get ready for pre-rounds but it's the weekend. Maybe I'll go check on the kids? It's kind of like doing rounds…I heard that getting up and walking around was helpful in trying to go back to sleep after waking up in the middle of the night anyway. It's like a way to destress the body.

I stop at Henry's room first. I have to walk all the way inside and peak into his tent to find Tim and him fast asleep. They're pretending to go camping. It's something Mark likes to do with the girls once a year and this year he promised to take the boys along so they're both very excited. Henry had me buy him a tent the day he found out that he'd be invited. I smile at the memory before quietly exiting the room. I stop by Zola's room but I find her bed empty. The girls must've all slept in one room since Sofia's here and Ella's bed is a tad bigger. On my way to her room, my stomach drops. I hate the fact that just thinking about seeing my daughter makes me sick. I'm sick. Something's wrong with me. I hesitate at her door before making a beeline for the hall bathroom where I throw up my insides. I can't live like this. How can I be a mother if I can't even look at my child? She deserves so much more… Meredith deserves so much more.

I walked out of the hall bathroom and make my way to the bathroom attached to our bedroom. I open the medicine cabinet looking for _anything_, something to take this pain away. I grab a bottle of Valium and I pour out a handful before shoving it in my mouth. I don't even wash them down. I lay down in my bed next to my wife and I roll over to face her. I close my eyes and whisper, "I'm sorry, Meredith."

… _just one cut and this could all be over. I stare down at my wrists. What brought me to this point? I don't know. I can't think. There's no peace inside my head. All the intelligence I had, all the confidence, everything that made me Addison washed away a long time ago. The only thing that's left of me is anger and frustration._

_My demons are bursting to be free; the walls of the cages that kept them in are finally caving. I lay out my left arm in front of me and I pick up the scalpel with my free hand._

_"Just be brave, Addie," I say to myself as I cut deep into my wrist. Blood rushes out of my veins and onto the carpet beneath. I feel a slight tingle but no real pain. A calmness soon comes over me; I feel so at ease._

"_Fuck everyone that made me like this," I say quietly to myself. Fuck my mother, fuck my father, fuck Derek… the list could go on._

_I just want this to be over. I dig deeper into my skin as tears stream down my cheeks. My head starts to feel heavy and I get dizzy. My world starts to go black and I succumb to the darkness._

_Finally._

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**Hi again, this chapter was basically a bridge from our last story to where I'd like to go with this story in the future. If you like it or wish to read more, leave me a review. Tell me what you think.**


	3. Step Three

**Step Three: Keep Breathing**

"Addison… Addison, please, baby. Just wake up. Please wake up," she pleaded as she checked her wife's pupils for the tenth time that morning.. "This isn't happening. This can't be happening. Addison!"

Meredith woke up this morning beside a nearly lifeless body… Addison's breath was so shallow and irregular that for a moment, Meredith thought she was dead. She wasn't sure what was happening. When they went to bed last night, everything was fine. Addison was in perfect health… There had to be something else at hand here. _No brain injuries… maybe she had a stroke? Oh, god. What if she had a heart attack? It could be a brain tumor gone unnoticed… Diabetes? Could be an infection… seizures?_

"Fuck," she said out loud as she ran towards the medicine cabinet. Meredith remembered Addison was having trouble sleeping last night and she has a prescription to help her sleep. _What if she overdosed?_ Checking the bottle, Meredith's worst fear was confirmed.

"Fuck, fuck, fuck… Addie…" she says quietly as she hears the doorbell ring.

Ella's voice calls out from downstairs, "Mama! Do you want me to get that?"

"No!" Meredith yells running down the stairs and yelling to her daughter, "Ella, get Henry and Tim out of the playroom and all of you go to Zola's room. Now, please."

"Mama, what's wrong?"

"Now, Ella! Now! I need you to do as I say right now!"

"Okay!" the little girl cries out and disappears down the hall.

Meredith opens the door and lets the paramedics in, "Our room is upstairs, on the right at the end of the hall. I think she may have overdosed on her sleeping pills."

"Do you know what kind she took?"

"Valium, she has a prescription," she said following them up the stairs. "I don't know if she took anything else. She was having nightmares last night."

"Set her up with oxygen. You may need an IPPV. I'm going to need IV access and get her glucose levels!" he yells to his coworkers. He turns to Meredith, "Ma'am, there's not much we can do on the scene. We're going to make sure she's stable and transfer her to the nearest hospital…"

"Mass Gen."

"No!" she yells then shakes her head. "I mean, take her to Seattle Grace."

"But that's an extra ten minute drive…"

"I don't care! I'm a doctor. We're doctors," she said. "If Addison woke up at Mass General, she'd kill me and that's a big IF if you take her there."

"Fine, we will take her to Seattle Grace Hospital. Did you want to ride with us or follow?"

"We have children," she said quietly, barely above a whisper. Meredith had never been on this side of things before… She had no idea how to handle all of this. She needed Addison. Addison was the tough one. She always knew what to do. "Addison, please… We need you."

"Ma'am," one of the EMT's walked up to Meredith's side. "We're getting her on the stretcher now and will take her to the hospital. You did an amazing job finding her when you did. Would you like to go ahead and grab anything you think you or she may need once you're at the hospital? We've got it from here."

She knew what that meant. They wanted her out of the way… Sure, she was a doctor but in this moment, she was just a freaked out family member. Meredith nodded but for some reason, she couldn't get her feet to move from her spot. Addison just had to be okay. She _had_ to. There was no way that she couldn't be. She watched as they lifted her wife onto the stretcher and made their way out of the room. Meredith followed closely behind until they were out the door and once it closed behind them, she collapsed in tears. Nothing was making sense to her. Addison admitted that she wasn't feeling well but she never explained how badly things were… Plus, she's a mother… She wouldn't do this to herself… It had to be an accident. Right?

Thinking about the children, Meredith finally made her way up off the floor and to Zola's room where all five of the little ones sat on the bed… they're all listening as Ella and Sofia read them a story. The sight of them only made her want to cry harder but she had to be tough for them.

"I need you guys to put on your shoes. We have to go now," she said simply. She doesn't know how to tell them that their mother might have tried to end her own life so she doesn't tell them anything.

Zola's the first off the bed and she walks up to her mother sleepily asking to be held. Meredith picks her up and walks towards her closet, "Sofia, may you get Tim ready? Ella, may you take your brother to his room and find shoes for him then meet me at the front door. Hurry. It's an emergency."

"Yes, ma'am," she said getting off the bed and picking up her little brother. "Come on, Henry. We have to get your shoes on."

Luckily for Meredith, Ella is used to _emergencies_. Growing up with two parents as surgeons, Ella's accustomed to waking up all times of the night to go with them to the hospital and dropped off at the hospital daycare during surgeries. It may not be good for her sleep schedule but it's preparing her to be an amazing surgeon one day… at least that's what they tell themselves.

"Okay, guys. Let's go," she said as they were all standing at the door minutes later.

Ella tugged on her mother's pajama top, "But Mama, wait, you don't have on shoes."

"Oh… thanks," Meredith said looking down at her feet as she made her way over to the hall closet to grab something quick to put on her feet before ushering the children out of the house and towards her truck.

The girls strap themselves in as she gets Henry buckled in then she hops in the driver's seat taking off out of the driveway and down a secluded path down to the main street. She wondered how far the paramedics had gotten as she took a shortcut towards the hospital.

"Where's Mommy?" a small voice called out from the backseat.

Meredith looked up at her youngest daughter through the rearview mirror with the saddest look in her eyes. She couldn't just lie to their faces, right? That would be wrong of her. They have the right to know that something's wrong with their mom.

"Uh, Mommy isn't feeling well," she explained. "She's sick and that's why were going to see the doctor right now… to see how we can help Mommy."

She knew that would satisfy Zola but knowing Ella, it only made her have more questions. Meredith looked in the rearview mirror at their eldest and she looked back at her mother knowingly. Ella knew there was more to it or her mother wouldn't have been so panicked but she wouldn't question it… not right now at least.

Pulling up in the hospital's ambulance bay, Meredith didn't even park. She hopped out of the car, grabbed baby Henry and yelled at an intern to go park her car. Leading the girls and Tim into the hospital, she ran into Arizona on the way in.

"I'll stay with them," she says, taking Henry out of her arms. "You, go."

"Thank you, Arizona," she said quickly but as she started to walk away, there was a tug on her top. She looked down to see big blue eyes staring back at her. She bent down to be eye-to-eye with her daughter, "Ella…"

"I'm eight, not stupid… I heard the sirens outside when the ambulance pulled in… Mommy's not okay, is she?" she asked sadly.

Meredith shook her head, "No, she's not. It's bad, Ella."

"I wanna go with you!" she pleads as tears start to fill in her eyes.

She nods, grabbing her daughter's hand and making her way deeper into the emergency room. It's too chaotic, as always, so she picks the little girl up. One of the doctors on Addison's case caught Meredith's wandering eyes and called her over to her room. There were so many doctors in the room that she didn't see any space for the two of them so she stood outside of the room watching.

"What's happening?" she called out. "Please! Someone! Talk to me! What's happening?"

"Meredith!" Callie calls out stepping out of the room. She takes her into a deep hug and brushes Ella's hair out of her face wiping the tears off her face.

She motions to the kid as her voice starts to break, "She didn't want to stay with Arizona… and I couldn't keep her from her mother."

"It's okay," she says taking the little girl out of her arms. "I just got down here myself so I don't know much… You should get in there."

"Okay," she nodded as she stepped into the room and up to her wife's nearly lifeless body. "Oh, Addison…"

"Toxicity levels are back," someone called out. "They're high for Benzos…"

"Grey," a voice calls out from beside her. "EMTs said you woke up to her like this. Possible Valium overdose."

"Yeah…"

"She's comatose. Do you know if she took anything else? We're nervous about giving her an antagonist. It usually does more harm than good in these situations… especially when we're not sure what exactly she took."

"Okay, that's it folks. All we can do now is wait," the interim chief called out.

Meredith turned to look at Dr. Bailey, "What? What do you mean?"

"Doing anything else right now is too risky," she explained. "She's alive, Meredith. We've flushed her stomach and she's on supportive care… The only thing we can do now is wait and hope that she wakes up. If we try anything else right now, we could lose her. Her body is going to have to fight the rest of this on its own."

"I want eyes on her at all times," the chief states. "I want viral checks and updates every 15 minutes."

Soon, the crowd clears out of the room and it's just Addison, Meredith and the doctor on her case. Callie steps into the room shortly after.

"Ella went to the vending machine to get you some snacks. She said you didn't have breakfast and insisted that we come in with you," she explained quietly. "She didn't want you to be alone… What happened?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Last night, we went to bed like normal. She woke up screaming in the middle of the night because of a nightmare but then we went back to sleep… I woke up this morning and she was blue… I couldn't hear her heartbeat…"

"Do you think she did it on purpose?"

"No!" she said getting defensive. "I mean, no, she wouldn't do that to us… Family is too important to her."

"Mama," the little girl announced as she entered the room. She walked up to her and climbed into her lap, "I got you a honey bun, some chips and some water. Here. You need to eat."

"Wow," Meredith laughs as tears start falling down her cheeks. "You sound just like your mother."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"She has to, baby."

Three of them sat there for hours just watching her chest's shallow moments up and down… Callie going back and forth between them and Arizona with little ones in the family waiting room. The kids were too worried about their mom to go to the hospital daycare so the blonde insisted on sitting with them. They both had fallen back asleep in her arms and she was more than happy to comfort them. If the situation were reversed, she knew Meredith and Addison would do the same for Sofia and Tim.

"Red, oh god," he burst into the room. "Meredith, what happened? I was in surgery."

"Daddy!"

"Hi Ella Bug, are you okay?" he picked her up off her mother's lap.

Meredith ran her hand through her hair nervously. She was hoping not to have to see Mark this soon after finding out the news… He isn't Ella's father and it isn't Meredith's place to tell him. This situation is all wrong… She tried to explain, "Addison was having trouble sleeping last night so she took something to help with it and accidentally took too much. I woke up to her like this…"

"Ssh, it's okay, bug," he rubs circles on his daughter's back trying to calm her soft cries that only he can hear. "Everything's going to be okay."

It's funny because Meredith never thought to try to comfort the little girl. She didn't know how… How could she tell her everything would be okay if she didn't know that it would be? Addison could not wake up and that would change everything. Their life wouldn't be the same and that is not okay.

"You guys should go home, shower, eat something," he suggested and tickled his daughter's belly, "Get out of those pajamas. I'll stay with her."

"I don't think I can leave," she confessed.

Callie looked at her sadly, "It would be good for you to get some fresh air. You haven't gotten out of that chair since this morning."

"I need to be here," she said quietly. "What if she wakes up and I'm not here?"

"Okay," he nodded.

Callie suggested, "How about Arizona and I take the kids back, get them cleaned up and fed, grab a bag for you and anything you guys may need and come back? Does that sound good?"

"Thank you, Callie," Mark said softly.

Ella whimpered, "I want to stay with you guys. I want to stay with Mommy."

"Then you'll stay," Meredith said and no one's in the mood to protest. They're all here for the same reason.

* * *

**Hi again, how'd you like the new chapter? Please send me reviews! Thank you for reading :)**


	4. Step Four

**Step Four: Accepting the Unacceptable **

"Addison, baby, if you can hear me, I just wanted to tell you that I love you. We all do," she whispered softly. "You've been out for two days but we're okay. The girls refuse to go to school while you're here. I don't blame them. I haven't been working… Henry's great though. He's a light, as always. He makes everyone smile but I know he's missing making you smile more. Mark is here… He hasn't left your side since he found out. I think he may have been here longer than me at this point. I've been out for coffee every now and again… Callie and Arizona have been great. They been keeping Zola and Henry. Ella refuses to leave the hospital. She's been an anchor. She's been keeping me grounded; reminds me a lot of you. Oh, I just miss you so much baby. Please, wake up. Addison…"

_Bodies are whirled and spun, some limp as dolls, others struggling spasmodically, as the vortex sucks them down and tumbles them. Meredith rises, kicking hard for the surface… holding tightly to me, pulling me up. At the surface, it's a roiling chaos of screaming, thrashing people. Over a thousand people are now floating where the ship went down. Some are stunned, gasping for breath… Others are crying, praying, moaning, shouting… screaming. I can't breathe. We barely have time to gasp for air before people are clawing at us; people driven insane by the water, four degrees below freezing, a cold so intense it is indistinguishable from death by fire. A man pushes me back under, trying to climb on top of me… senselessly trying to get out of the water, to climb onto anything. Meredith punches him repeatedly, pulling me free._

"_Swim, Addie! SWIM!" she cries._

_I try, but my strokes are not as effective as hers because I'm restricted by my lifejacket. We eventually break out of the clot of people and start looking for some kind of floatation, anything to get out of the freezing water._

"_Keep swimming. Keep moving. Come one, you can do it," Meredith encourages as we swim_

_All around us there is a tremendous wailing, screaming and moaning... a chorus of tormented souls. And beyond that... nothing but black water stretching to the horizon. The sense of isolation and hopelessness is overwhelming. I try not to think about it as we stroke rhythmically trying to keep from freezing._

"_Look for something floating. Some debris... wood... anything."_

"_It's so cold."_

"_I know. I know. Help me, here. Look around," Meredith's words keep me focused, taking my mind off the wailing around us. I scan the water, panting, barely able to draw a breath._

"_What's that?" I point._

_Meredith sees what I was pointing to, and we make for it together. It is a piece of wooden debris, intricately carved like a door. She pushes me up and I slither onto it belly down. But when Meredith tries to get up onto the thing, it tilts and submerges, almost dumping me off. It's only big enough to support me. Meredith clings to it, close to me, keeping her upper body out of the water as best she can. Their breath floats around them in a cloud as they pant from exertion. _

_A man swims toward them, homing in on the piece of debris. Meredith warns him back,"It's just enough for this lady... you'll push it under."_

"_Let me try at least, or I'll die soon."_

"_You'll die quicker if you come any closer."_

"_Yes, I see. Good luck to you then," he said, swimming off, "God bless."_

"God, Meredith, when's the last time you had a shower?"

"I don't look that badly," she defended herself as she looked from her wife to their friend. "I took a quick shower this morning."

"You need a real shower… one that's not in the hospital… and a hair wash," Callie commented as Meredith frowned, "I told you that I'll switch out with you so you can go home and take care of yourself. That's what Addison would want."

"But what if she wakes up and I'm not here? I don't want to be too far away when she does."

"You live fifteen minutes away…"

"Whereas, if I was here, I'd only be seconds away," she explained.

Callie frowned as she looked towards a sleeping Mark with a sleeping Ella in his lap, "Fine, you do as you please but I'm taking Ella with me. If you two want to torture yourselves by sitting here then fine but I won't let you subject this baby to this torment."

_We're floating amid a chorus of the damned as Meredith sees the ship's officer nearby._ _He is blowing his whistle furiously, knowing the sound will carry over the water for miles. He's trying to catch the attention of the rescue boats. It seems to make Meredith more hopeful._

"_The boats will come back for us, Addison. Hold on just a little longer. They had to row away for the suction and now they'll be coming back," she explained and I nod, her words helping me remain calm._

_I'm shivering uncontrollably, my lips blue and my teeth chattering. "Thank God for you Meredith."_

"Meredith?" he calls out as she stirs, sitting up slowly.

She looks at the man sitting across from her in the room, "What? What's wrong?"

"Be honest with me… Do you really think it was an accident?"

"Yes," she lied through her teeth. "She wouldn't try to leave us on purpose."

"I only ask because… well, this wouldn't be the first time," he explained cautiously. "I don't know if she told you… but…"

"We don't have any secrets between us," she said softly… or at least that's what she thought. If that were true, Addison would've told her how she was really feeling. "She still has the scar…"

"But you said she was okay?" he asked again, "She had trouble sleeping… It was just an accident."

"Yeah," she nods. Lying to him is making her sick to her stomach. "I'm going to grab a glass of water."

_The water is glassy, with only the faintest undulating swell. I can actually see the blazing stars reflecting on the black mirror of the sea. Meredith squeezes the water out of my long coat, tucking it in tightly around my legs. She rubs my arms in an attempt to warm me. Her face is chalk within the darkness._

_I lay unmoving, just staring into space, "It's getting quiet."_

"_Just a few more minutes. It'll take them a while to get the boats organized…" Meredith explained._

_I accept her words but deep down, I know the truth. There won't be any boats. Behind Meredith, I see that the ship's officer has stopped moving. He is slumped in his lifejacket, looking almost asleep but really, he's died of exposure already._

"_I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all this," Meredith tries to smile._

_I laughed weakly, but it sounds more like a gasp of fear. I find her eyes in the dim light. "I love you Meredith."_

"_No…" she takes my hand, "don't say your good-byes, Addie. Don't you give up. Don't do it."_

"_I'm so cold."_

"_You're going to get out of this... you're going to go on and you're going to make babies and watch them grow and you're going to die an old lady, warm in your bed. Not here. Not this night. Do you understand me?"_

"_I can't feel my body."_

"_Addison, listen to me. Listen. Winning that ticket was the best thing that ever happened to me." Meredith said, having trouble getting the breath to speak. "It brought me to you. And I'm thankful, Addison. I'm thankful." Her voice is trembling with the cold which is working its way to her heart. But her eyes are unwavering. "You must do me this honor... promise me you will survive... that you will never give up... no matter what happens... no matter how hopeless... promise me now, and never let go of that promise."_

"_I promise."_

"_Never let go."_

"_I promise. I will never let go, Meredith. I'll never let go." I grip her hand and we lie with our heads together. _

"Together, we will get through this together, I promise," Meredith whispered to her youngest as they sat by Addison's bedside.

She hadn't seen the little ones in a few days. Callie took Ella home with them two days ago and this is the first time all of them have been back since. It's an awkward tension in the room as everyone hovers around the redhead's nearly lifeless body lying in the hospital bed. They all look towards the door as one of the doctors on Addison's case walked into the room.

He cleared his throat looking towards the dirty blonde, "Dr. Grey, may I speak with you privately?"

"It's okay," she says looking down to the sleepy almost two year old in her lap. "We're all family here."

"Okay," he says looking around the nearly full room at Mark, Callie, Arizona, Meredith and the three children. "In the event that your wife doesn't wake up, have you two discussed any end of life care?"

"You think my mommy won't wake up?"

"No, baby, that's not what the doctor is saying," Mark tried to explain. He looked to Meredith, "I'm going to take the kids to grab a snack while you talk to the doctor."

"Okay," she nodded as Arizona walked up to her picking up Henry.

She shrugged, "I'll go with him. The sky is really clear tonight. Maybe we can go outside and check out the stars?"

_The stars reflect in the mill pond surface. It makes the two of us seem to be floating in interstellar space. We are absolutely still; our hands still locked together. I'm staring upwards at the canopy of stars wheeling above us… as the long sleep steals over me, and I feel peaceful. I feel like I'm floating up towards the sky. I'm in a semi-hallucinatory state. That means I'm dying…_

_My lips barely move as I try to sing a part of Meredith's favorite song, "Come Josephine in my flying machine… The stars. Like you've never seen them. The Milky Way a glorious band from horizon to horizon."_

_A shooting star flares like a line of light across the heavens and I try to smile. My hair is dusted with frost crystals. My breathing is so shallow, I'm almost motionless… The silhouette of a boat crossed the stars as my eyes track down from them to the water. The boat may be real… I see men in it, rowing so slowly the oars lift out of the syrupy water, leaving weightless pearls floating in the air. The voices of the men sound slow and distorted. The boat's lookout flashes his torch towards us and the light flares across the water, silhouetting the bobbing corpses in between us. It flicks past our motionless forms and moves on. The boat seems close but it's moving past us. I lift my head partially to turn to Meredith because my hair has frozen to the wood underneath me._

"_Meredith," I call out barely audible as I touch her shoulder with my free hand. She doesn't respond. I gently turn her face towards me and see that it's is rimmed with frost. She seems to be sleeping peacefully but she is not asleep. I can only stare at her still face as the realization goes through me. "Oh, Meredith…"_

_All hope, will and spirit leave me. I look at the boat. It is further away now, the voices fainter. I just watch them go. I close my eyes. I'm so weak, and there just seems to be no reason to even try. _

_And then, something comes over me... my eyes snap open. I raise my head suddenly, cracking the ice as I rip my hair off the wood. I call out towards the boat, but my voice is so weak they don't hear me. The boat is invisible now, the torch light a star impossibly far away. I struggle to draw breath, calling again._

"I'm going to try calling them again," he said, picking up the phone and looking at Meredith angrily. "They should be here… They would hate us if we let them pull the plug on their daughter and they didn't get to say goodbye."

"Please, don't take this out on me," she begs. "This is what she wanted… twenty-eight days. She didn't want to suffer nor make us suffer."

"Twenty-eight days isn't long enough," he says. "That means we only twenty-two days left… It's less than a month, Meredith. Some people take years to come out of a coma! It's possible!"

"I'm not saying that it isn't possible," she tried again. "I'm saying that this is what Addison and I sat down and talked about. I won't go against her wishes…"

"That's unacceptable…"

"It's up to her now, Mark. It's all in her hands."

_My hand, I realize as I struggle to move, is actually frozen to Meredith's. I breath on it, melting the ice a little and gently unclasp our hands, breaking away a thin tinkling film. _

"_I won't let go. I promise," I say, releasing Meredith and she sinks into the black water. She seems to fade out like a spirit returning to some immaterial plane. I roll off the floating door and plunge into the icy water. I swim to the ship's officer's body that's nearby and grab his whistle. I start to blow the whistle with all the strength in my body._

Her body stirs under Meredith's touch, jolting the dirty blonde awake. She turned towards the room's open door and calls out, "She moved! Addison moved!"

"What?" a husky voice calls out as Mark stirs from his sleep. "What's wrong?"

"I think she's waking up," Meredith says as she notices the redhead's eyes flickering. She stands up leaning close to her and kissing her on her forehead. "Addison, hi, baby… You're awake. I'm so happy that you're awake."

* * *

**How long did it take you to get the Titanic reference? Now, be honest. ;)**


	5. Step Five

**Step Five: Hitting Rock Bottom**

"Dr. Montgomery, we're just going to have to ask you a few questions."

"Okay…"

"Do you have any pre-existing psychiatric or medical conditions?"

"Uh, I've been diagnosed with depression, anxiety and insomnia."

"Are they being treated?"

"Yes, I, uh, I'm taking medications for it. Don't you guys already know this?"

"Sorry, Dr. Montgomery. It's routine after a suicide attempt."

"I didn't try to kill myself. It was an accidental overdose…"

"So you didn't overdose on purpose?"

"No, I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and I didn't want to wake Meredith so I didn't turn on the lights. I went to the bathroom to take a couple of my sleeping pills and I guess I took too many. I was hazy, full of sleep. I didn't know what I was doing."

"Okay, Dr. Montgomery. In that case, we're finished here," she smiled closing her notebook and headed out of the room. "Thank you for your time."

"Meredith…" I started but I can't finish. I can feel the tension in the room. There's something she needs to say to me but I can't let her. I don't want to hear it. "Meredith, I, I know this looks badly…"

"Addison, baby," Meredith said, looking at me knowingly. "I want to hear the truth."

"What do you mean?" I question. "That was the truth."

"Addie," she said staring at me with those big green eyes of hers.

I can't lie to her and she knows it. My eyes feel with tears. I cover my face quickly, "I can't tell you. You don't want to hear the truth."

"Yes I do," she said standing up and walking up to my bedside. "I won't judge. I won't get upset with you. I just want to know where your head is… if you're really okay and how I can help."

"Mere―," I stopped myself. I shook my head as I felt the tears fall from my face. "I feel so ashamed. I can't believe I tried to… Meredith. I'm so sorry."

"Ssh," she said, tucking my hair behind my ear and kissing me softly on my forehead.

I looked into her eyes and said, "I can't look my daughter in the face… My daughter… that I carried for ten months; that I raised for almost nine years. And it's not like I didn't know. I knew she was Derek's the moment she was born but I convinced myself I was crazy. I told myself that the DNA test was fact; that science doesn't lie. I drove myself crazy because I _thought_ I was crazy. Isn't that funny? I was right this whole time and I wish nothing more than to be wrong. I'm unfit to be a mother. Ella deserves so much more. You deserve so much more."

"You're wrong," she shook her head. "We were made for each other. Our family was meant to be… even if you weren't assaulted, we would still be a family. I believe that deep in my soul. You and I were always meant to find each other. The children we have are the children we were destined to have…"

"Meredith," I shook my head cutting her off. "I'm not stable… You were right. You're always right. The overdose wasn't an accident… and I can't honestly tell you that I won't try again. I'm messed up, Mere. I'm broken."

"You are perfect," she said, shaking her head. She turned around and I know that means that she's trying not to cry. "You're just hurting right now. That doesn't make you broken."

"Mere―"

"No," she said as she turned back around and reached for my hand. "We're going to get you some help."

"I don't deserve it," I said as I shook my head. "I can't look at my own child, Meredith. Do you not understand how bad that is?"

"It doesn't matter. That doesn't make you a bad person," she explained. "You're hurting. It's okay to hurt. You don't have to feel bad for not being strong all of the time. No one can do that. You're not Supergirl, baby… and this isn't the end. Sure there's a huge hole in the road but you just have to be brave enough to make that jump. You have to… because I need you, Addison. Ella, Zola and Henry… we all need you."

"I'm so sorry, Meredith," I cried out.

She took me into a deep hug and whispered, "We're going to fix this. We're going to get you some help. You can't keep living like this, baby. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. You're amazing. You're an amazing mom, wife, sister, doctor… You have so much to offer this world. You're so perfect. I love you, okay?"

"I love you."

Meredith stepped out of the room to make a phone call about an hour ago and I haven't seen her since. She's up to something… I know she means well but it feels as though I'm beyond help. I've been spiraling for a long time and this just pushed me over the cliff. She says that they need me but I feel so useless right about now. I feel as though they would all be better off without me. Our youngest two will eventually forget me and Ella's young enough for it to not be as detrimental to her psyche. I know I shouldn't think like this… That's the worst part. I know how to change my negative thinking but I just can't. I've done the work. I went to therapy. I did my homework. I learned the proper coping skills. I meditate. I take my medications everyday. Doctors say it should help but it just makes me feel numb… I'm still depressed… sometimes my moods are even worse than before the medication. Nothing makes sense. I'm just getting worse and worse but learning how to hide it better.

Meredith walking back into the room quickly brought me out of my thoughts. She has a small smile on her face and she sits down at the edge of my hospital bed. She cleared her throat, "I made an appointment for you at Harborview. They have the best mental health program in the city. They want you to come in and ask you a few questions to decide on the level of care you need. Does that sound okay with you?"

"Yeah," I nodded but honestly, I don't see the point.

Her smile grew a little, "Okay. Good. This is good. We're on the right track to getting that big head of yours feeling a little better… I've been looking into the place and they have this program where you go to the hospital for the day then you're able to come home in the evenings and go back in the morning. I think that would be good, right? You might benefit from something like that. What do you think?"

What do I think? I ask myself but I don't have any answers. I can't think past the fact that I wasn't supposed to wake up. None of this should be happening. Tears filled my eyes and I don't want her to see so I turn my head and bury my face into the pillow. I muffle out, "Sounds good."

"Then it's settled. They're going to discharge you in the morning then we'll grab something to eat and head to Harborview. I know this sounds terrifying… and I mean, it probably is terrifying… but this is good. You're going to get the help you deserve, Addison. This is good."

When I don't reply, Meredith climbs into the bed and cuddled up behind me. She pushed some hair out of my face before wrapping her arms around. She whispered, "We're going to be okay. I promise."

* * *

**Hi guys. This chapter is super short, sorry. It is because the next chapter is going to be super long. Most of the next few chapters of this story are going to be based off of real events. Real events that happened to me only two months ago. I went to a mental facility under the assumption that I would be doing a Partial Hospitalization Program. It's basically what Meredith described at the end of this chapter. You spend the day there and you get to go home at night. However after the "interview process", they told me that I had to stay as inpatient. That I would have to willingly (voluntarily) sign myself in or they will 1013 me-in GA it basically means force me to stay or hold me involuntarily. It was like one in the morning and I was there with my wife. We were both freaking out and scared that they were literally forcing us apart. This is where our story begins. Keep reading if you'd like to know more... If something like this has happened to you, tell me about it in the review section or even DM me. I want to know how your state handles mental health crises. **❥** Kae**


	6. Step Six

**Step Six: Forcibly Accepting Help**

The drive to Harborview feels like the longest drive of my life. After spending the day with the kids, we make our way to my 7pm appointment. Hours later, it feels like, we pull up outside of the hospital. My stomach drops to my feet and I start to panic. Meredith parks then turns to look at me.

She runs her hand through my hair, "You look like you've just seen a ghost."

"Meredith, I can't go in there," I shake my head. "I shouldn't be here."

"It's just an interview, Addie," she comforts me. "You have nothing to worry about. No decisions are going to be made tonight."

I stare at Meredith and she looks back at me with the most solace look in her eyes. I can't help but smile and allow her to assist me on my walk inside. We make our way upstairs to the fifth floor. Walking into the lobby, we see that the line to sign in is long so we find somewhere to sit before Meredith goes to stand in line. She smiles at me and gives me a thumbs up. This is the _last _place I want to be. Meredith says I can't get better on my own… It would be like denying surgery for a tumor that's going to kill you. I hate when she uses my work against me.

Meredith comes back to me with a dozen of forms to fill out and sign before they take us to the back behind the big black door adjacent to the front desk. I really don't want to see what's behind that door so I procrastinate while filling out the documents. I talk to Meredith and we joke about some of the questions. At least another hour has gone by before we turn in the forms. They lead us through the heavy black door, down two more white halls with white tiled floors and into a hallway full of small rooms. They lead us into an empty room with one chair against the wall and two more chairs directly across from it. These two must be for us.

"I'm cold," I whimper out. "We've been sitting in this room over an hour."

"Maybe there's an emergency," she suggested.

I'm anxious. I already didn't want to be here and now it's nearly 10pm. We've been here since 7pm. You'd think we'd have been seen already.

I stand up and pace the room, "I'm going to go out there."

"Addie, don't."

"No, I'm going to stand outside the door and demand to be seen," I say walking out of the room.

But when someone does come into the hall, all that I'm able to ask for is a blanket. When I came back into the room with a warm blanket, Meredith laughs at me.

"You chickened out?"

"Oh, hush. At least we can be warm now."

The door opening and closing startled the both of us out of our sleep. I glance at my watch and I see that it's nearly midnight meaning we'd been waiting in this room for four hours. We both smile up at the nurse standing behind her rolling computer screen as she introduces herself to us. Her name flew in one ear and out the other… My brain is still hazy with sleep.

"I'm going to be asking you some questions," she says. "Your answers are confidential."

"Okay," I say glancing over at Meredith quickly.

The nurse nods, "Sometimes people feel that life is not worth living. Can you tell me how you feel about your own life?"

"I, uh," I hesitate. "Sometimes I agree with those people..."

"Do you find yourself wishing for a permanent escape from life?"

"Yes."

"How would that happen for you? What might you do to achieve that?"

"I don't know. Maybe like a nice, long coma or something? I'm a doctor so I know how what medicine is most likely to produce something like that." I say surprising myself for being more candid than I thought I would be.

"What are some of the aspects of your life that may make you feel or think that your life is not worth living?"

"I feel like my presence only makes things worse," I look to Meredith with apologetic eyes. "I'm unfit to be a mother to my children… What else is there to live for?"

"You tell me. What are some of the aspects of your life that make it worth living?"

"I'm great at my job… I bring little humans into the world every single day but… it's not enough when I can't mother my own."

"Where are your kids?"

"My kids are with the sitter," I explain. "They're fine… It's me who isn't."

"Oh, okay," she says and continues reading. "Do you think about your own death or about dying?"

"All the time," I laughed. "That's kind of why I'm here."

"Have you ever thought of trying to take you own life, harming yourself or harming other people?"

"Other people? No. Myself? I'm pretty guilty."

"Do you think or feel this way presently?"

"Yes."

"Were there events in your life that preceded this such as a sudden loss or feelings of depression?"

"I mean, I guess so. I'm currently on medications for depression, anxiety and insomnia," I explain.

She jots down something before speaking up again, "How frequently have you had these thoughts and feelings?"

"All the time; throughout the day."

"Do you have a plan to harm yourself or take your own life? If so, describe your plan."

"No, I don't have any plans in particular."

"Okay, but if you were to attempt, how would you do it?"

"I don't know. I know from experience that pills don't really work so probably like get really drunk and go on a drive at night… make it look like an accident?"

"Do you have those methods available to you to take your life, such as over the counter pills, prescription pills, knives or proximity to a balcony, bridge or subway?"

"Sure, yeah, I guess. I have both alcohol and a car," I laughed. "That question is kind of silly."

"How many times have you tried to harm yourself, or tried to take your life?" she asked next.

I think of everytime I've tried to kill myself in my almost forty years of living. "Four times."

"When was the most recent time?"

"Um," I hesitate this time because I don't want to admit it. "About a week ago."

"What were your thoughts and feelings at the time that you were most serious about suicide?"

"I think…" I close my eyes as the thoughts run through my head now. "I wonder how can I be a mother if I can't even look at my child? She deserves so much more… My wife deserves so much more. We shouldn't have to live like this… I can't live like this."

"When was your most serious attempt at harming or taking your life?," she asked.

I shrug, "I guess a week or so ago."

"What happened just before you did this, and what happened after?"

"I found out that my daughter is a product of rape… I was raped ten years ago and I thought I was over it but I can't look my daughter in the eye without seeing his face. After, I woke up in the hospital after being in a coma for six days."

"How did you feel after your attempt? Did you feel relief or regret at being alive?"

"Do you really want to know? Like do you actually care about how I feel or is this just a part of your job?"

"Uh."

"Because, frankly, I don't like talking to you and I don't like the way you're jotting everything I say down like I'm some crazy person. I'm not crazy for wanting to leave this horrible world. Yes, I tried to end my own life. I've lived a long, hard forty years and I don't need your judgement."

"I'm not judging you," she says. "I promise… I've been exactly where you are. That's why I joined this field..."

"Fine," I cross my arms.

She looks at me with pity in her eyes and I hate it. "Will you answer the question please?"

"I felt regret, okay. I did not want to wake up but here I am. Okay? Can we be done with the questions already?"

"I just have one more question," she says. "Were you assessed in an emergency department? Did they provide any treatment for you?"

"They tried to but I wouldn't let them," I explain. "I told them it was an accidental overdose. We were at my job. I'm up for a promotion. I couldn't tell them that I tried to kill myself."

"Okay, we're done. I'm going to talk to the doctor who's on staff tonight to come up with the best treatment plan for you. I'll be right back," she smiles as she wheels herself out of the room.

Meredith tugs on my arm and I turn to her, "I'm proud of you. You were so brave. This is going to be good. They're going to help you so you won't have to struggle anymore. You won't be in pain anymore."

"Yeah," I whisper. I want to believe her but I have this sick feeling in my stomach.

Minutes later, the nurse comes back into the room with a shy smile on her face, "The doctor and I spoke. We both agree that it will be in your best interest if you stayed overnight."

"What? No," I shake my head.

Meredith speaks up, "I'm confused… We scheduled an appointment for Addison to get into the Outpatient Program… Not inpatient."

"Well, the doctor and I talked and we would feel more comfortable if you," she turned to look at me, "stayed overnight."

"And if I don't want to?"

"Then we will have to make you stay involuntarily," she says.

"No, no, no, no, no," I shake my head. "This isn't right. I don't want this. I came here expecting to go home tonight."

"I'm so sorry, Dr. Montgomery."

"You can't do this," I shake my head standing up. "I'm not staying."

"Addison…" Meredith pleads at me to sit down.

The nurse suggests as she opens the door to leave, "Let me go to the doctor and see if she would be of any help."

"Meredith…"

"Addison, I'm so sorry," she cries. "I was told you'd be perfect for IOP. I really didn't know they'd keep you."

"They're not keeping me," I counter. "I'm not staying. They can't make me stay."

"Addison…" she pauses. She doesn't have anything to say and neither do I.

Neither of us say anything else until the doctor comes into the room, "I was told that you guys had some questions."

"Yeah, I do," I say angrily. "I was told to come here and get interviewed to join your outpatient program. That's the only reason I came here. I didn't bring anything else but what's on my body. I can't stay and I won't."

"I'm sorry, Dr. Montgomery but we can't let you leave. At this point, you have to stay willingly or will have to detain you."

"Detain her?" Meredith speaks up. "You mean, like, arrest her?"

"Basically," she shrugs.

I clarify, "So, I have to turn myself in or be forced to stay by law?"

"Yes."

"This is ridiculous. I'm not a danger to anyone or myself. I'm just depressed. I just need 'talk therapy'. I don't need this," I shake my head. "Save your beds for people who actually need it."

"According to the answers you gave, Dr. Montgomery, it seems as though you need this bed," she smiles politely and I almost want to snatch that stupid smile off her face. "In the morning, you'll talk to your psychiatrist and case worker. They'll access you and determine whether or not we made the right decision."

"So, I only have to stay one night?"

"Yeah, that is if you really are okay."

"Fine," I say dismissing her and she leaves the room. "So I have to stay… but it's only one night."

"It's nearly 2 in the morning," Meredith looked at her watch. "I don't think I'll be able to go home, pack you a bag and be back tonight… however, I can go to Walmart and get you some essentials like a toothbrush and paste, underwear and maybe like some house shoes and a robe?"

"Slow down," I comfort her. "You're panicking."

"I'm so sorry, Addie," she apologizes again. "This is all my fault. I'm the one who scheduled this appointment."

"No, it's not your fault…" I shake my head. "It's the doctor's fault for misleading you. I'm not mad at you."

"You aren't?"

"No, baby, I love you," I say as the door opens again and the nurse appears.

"Alright, Addison," she motions towards the hall. "It's time to go."

"I'm going to the store to get her a few things until I can come back tomorrow," Meredith explains as we follow the nurse down the hall.

She nods, "Okay. When you come back just leave it with the front desk and we will get it to her."

"Okay," she nods in return.

We come to a stop in a room at the end of the hall. The nurse points to a door on the wall, "I'm going to give you two a few minutes to say goodbye then you can exit through this door right here."

"Thank you," Meredith replies.

The nurse looks to me, "And, sorry Addison, but heels aren't allowed."

"Oh," I reply looking down at my feet.

Meredith looks at her own feet and offers, "We can switch shoes. You can wear my Vans."

"That sounds good," the nurse nods leaving.

I turn to her with tears in my eyes, "I don't want to cry."

"Then don't," she says smiling. "I'll be here first thing in the morning, okay? I promise. The faster you fall asleep, the faster we will be together again."

"Okay."

"I love you."

"I love you more."

"I love you most," Meredith says kissing me softly.

She pulls away when the nurse comes back. Meredith waves goodbye as she goes through the door that leads to the outside. I follow the nurse through two more sets of doors to a big open room setup with tables and chairs. The lights are off everywhere but the nurse's station. She has me sit in a chair in the corner as she goes into the nurse's station. She comes back with the equipment to take my vitals. When she's done, she hands me a cup for a drug test and points out the bathroom in the corner of the room. When I come back, she tells me that someone is going to come get me to do inventory and a body search.

_A body search_, I shiver just at the thought. This really is a prison… Luckily I'll be out tomorrow. I only have to stay until tomorrow.

"Montgomery!" I hear my name being called from a closed off room on the other side of the open space. I get up from my chair and slowly make my way towards the brightly lit room.

She explains, "I'm Clarice. We're going to start with inventory. Any tattoos, piercings, scars or bruising?"

"Huh?"

"We just have to make sure you leave here in the same condition that you came in," she explains. "So?"

"No tattoos. I have my ears pierced but that's it," I explain. I hold out my arm, "And there's this. It's pretty faint though, at this point."

"Okay," she says logging everything. "Do you have any other belongings?"

"No, I didn't know I'd be forced to stay," I say sarcastically.

She nods then pushes her paper aside, "Time for the body search. Drop your pants and spin slowly."

"Uh, I mean, you could at least take me to dinner first," I say as do what I was told.

I see a slight smile on her face but mostly exhaustion. She nods, "Okay, now same thing for the top."

I pull up my shirt to my wrists and I spin once fully. I ask, "Are we done?"

"Yes, thank you for not giving me a hard time about this," she says.

I shrug, "It's whatever."

"Go have a seat," she says. "Someone will come for you and escort you to your room."

I wonder what time it is and I glance over at the clock hanging on the wall but it's too dark in the room for me to see anything. I try waiting patiently but my anxiety starts to get the best of me. The minute I start to stand up, someone walks up to me with a big paper bag, a stack of sheets, a blanket and a pillow.

She explains, "These are for you. You're going to have to make your bed. There's going to be someone making rounds every thirty minutes and if you need anything, like ear plugs or something, you can ask for them here at the desk."

"Um, my wife went to the store to grab a few things for me… They told her to leave it at the front desk," I explain.

She nods, "I'll go check on that first and then we will get you into your room."

"Okay," I nod as she runs off.

A few minutes later, she returns with another large paper bag and a smile, "They got your things. I had to go through it and take out some of the things that aren't allowed but you'll get them back when you leave. They'll be in the nurse's station."

"Okay," I nod as I get up following her down the hallway until we stop at a room.

She lets me in first, "Here's your room. You have a roommate… sorry. Remember, we have ear plugs."

"Thank you," I say quietly as I walk into the room laying my stuff down on the bed.

My roommate snores… No wonder they kept recommending ear plugs. I try to calm down and get ready for some sleep by making my bed and putting my things away. I lie down on the bed and immediately realize that I'm never going to get any sleep with my roommate snoring like that.

I get up and make my way back to the nurse's station, "Hi, I think I'll take you up on that offer for ear plugs and can I have the time?"

"No problem. It's nearly three," she says. "Give me a second to find them… Oh, shoot. I think we may be out. I'll grab some from the other wing and bring them to your room."

"Okay," I head back as one of the nurses start making their rounds.

I lie down in my bed and watch him in the hallway as he shines a mini flashlight into the rooms and taking notes. When he comes into our room, we make awkward eye contact as I lie in bed awake. The lady comes to my room shortly after with ear plugs and I stick them into my ears. My whole world goes silent but I can't seem to sleep. I already have a hard time sleeping at home… I'm never going to get any sleep here.

I was right. I made awkward eye contact with the nurse five more times.

* * *

**My memories from those few days of being there are so vivid... it's crazy. It's been nearly three months since I was institutionalized yet it feels like yesterday. It's funny because I've been finding myself censoring when talking to my therapist because I'm afraid she'll send me away. She says she would never but how do I believe her when every doctor that I've seen since her has lied to me. They lied to make their jobs easier without thinking how detrimental lying to me could be to my health. I had to advocate for myself so many times in that place, it's scary. I blame them for my slightly aggressive tendencies and my lack of trusting medical professionals that I developed after leaving. I never want to go back. Anyway, thank you for reading this. It's comforting being able to write about my experience and I hope someone else can find comfort in this too. **❥ **Kae**


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